Whose Ass are You Kissin'?

DISCLAIMER: The following compilation of different asses filed through in-depth researches, observations, interviews and experiments are not in any way directed towards any person or group of persons in particular. Any similarities between this text and the actual person’s buttocks are purely coincidental. If your butt falls in any of the categories below, you know we’re watching those booties.

Low Butt – (Parang cell phone lang.) This type of saggy butt resembles that of a half-filled water balloon being held on its top end. Even Newton’s Law of Gravity cannot explain the reason for this misfortunate anomaly. Whether the reason for this pitiful state is endless use or lack of proper hydration, we do not care.

Duck Tail – The opposite of low butt. Women with this type of butt are child-friendly and are most likely to be pre-school teachers, pediatricians, lady dentists, neonatal nurses, pedophiles and 30-year old virgins. They have the inborn talent to talk immaturely in baby dialect with matching funny face and pearly white smiles. The children in turn are attracted to them due to their ability to effortlessly imitate famous characters such as Daisy Duck, Jollibee, Snow White, and Hidden Kho-mera.

Behind the Back – is actually in front. Some women are really super-extraterrestrial beings from UrAnus with the superpower to grow their butt in front – the exact location is the wide visible area below their belly button and just above their bikini line. There is an ongoing study to once and for all come into resolution whether pregnancy is related to this abnormal growth or just plain mutation as a result of excess calorie intake.

Buttwoman – Speaking of superpower, a Buttwoman has no superpower just like her male counterpart Batman. But like Bruce Wayne, these women have tons of cash and all the time in the world to submit their butts either through multiple surgeries or eternal gym sessions. Famous Hollywood stars vying for this action-packed role include Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johannson and Mariah Carey. While in the local scene, anti-piracy advocate producers are contemplating to – once again and for the nth time – copy a foreign movie and create a local version; are eyeing for this coveted role the likes of Angel Locsin, Ehra Madrigal, Diana Zubiri and Piolo Pascual for the movie entitled “Wetpacker”.

Your Boss’s Ass – As long as you’ve committed yourself to the unending world of corporate tyrannical cycle, you would always have to kiss your boss’s ass. Day in and day out, you, as an unknowing employee, work your ass out hard at the mercy of your unknown stockholders who in turn are busy keeping their own ass warm in spas, clubs, resorts and golf courses.

Con-Ass – Need I say more? Watch news you moron. Get involved you apathetic individual.